Down in the Mines
from KLUU (Get a clue.) Radio
HOST:
It’s the KLUU (Get a clue.) Radio Call-in Catastrophe Show from sunny downtown Freemartin Town. Call us with your questions, your opinions, your hopes and fears in response to our blizzards, derechos, droughts, tornadoes, and floods. Spring is coming soon. No telling what this one will bring. Call us. We let you air your anxiety on air about any catastrophe you are experiencing—large or small. We’re here for you in any emergency.
Okay, so we have our first caller. KLUU Radio. Call-in Catastrophe Show. You’re on the air. Hello? You’re on the air.
(DOG BARKING IN BACKGROUND.)
I’m sorry. I can’t hear you. Could you put your dog outside?
(DOG’S BARKING FADES.)
That’s better. Now what’s on your mind?
CALLER #1:
Well, you were right about those derechos.
HOST:
What do you mean?
CALLER #1:
Remember, last time we was talking about naming them. Like they do them hurricanes.
HOST:
Oh, right. We didn’t want to repeat human hurricane names, so we thought naming them after old cars might work.
CALLER #1
Yeah, like Edsel, Studebaker, GTO . . .
HOST:
Now I remember.
CALLER #1:
Well, I heard on the TV the other night, that these weather men in Washington D.C. want to do just that. Name the derechos. We’ve had so dang many of them. . .
HOST:
Due to climate change?
CALLER #1:
Naw, we call it weird weather. We’re having plenty of that. But humans didn’t cause it. I repeat: humans did not cause it. I know who’s in charge of weather, and it ain’t humans.
HOST:
Okay, so they admitted we were right about derechos. It has gotten confusing. Derecho #1, #2? The one back in Aug? In December?
CALLER #1:
I’m telling you those weather men in Washington D.C. were just shaking their heads. What do we call them? What do we call them? So, as usual, we’re ahead of those old boys in the government.
HOST:
Good point. Now here’s another caller coming in. Hello. You’re on the air. KLUU (Get a clue) Radio. It’s the Call-in Catastrophe show.
(SQEEEEAAAAK. SQUEAK.)
Okay, good, you’ve turned your radio down. What’s on your mind?
CALLER #2:
The government.
HOST:
Those meteorologists?
CALLER #2:
Not that government. The state government. The legislature.
HOST:
What did they do?
CALLER #2:
They’re messing with regulations, those legislators.
HOST:
Oh, yes, too many regulations. . .But don’t you want clean water?
CALLER #2:
I’m not talking water. I’m worrying about the legislators loosening the child labor and safety laws. Those regulations.
HOST:
So you’re worried about loosening regulations?
CALLER #2:
I am. They’re saying they don’t have enough laborers in the state. So, they’re loosening the laws so that they can put 14-year-olds in the meat packing plants, and get this, down in the mines.
HOST:
The mines?
CALLER #2:
That’s right. I read it in the paper. They want to send the kids down in the mines.
HOST:
Do we even have any active coal mines left in the state? Or lead mines?
CALLER #2:
No, the coal mines are all closed. And them lead mines are long gone. And they didn’t fill most of them in. That’s why your lawn, or your whole street, for that matter, can suddenly collapse into a sink hole.
HOST:
It does happen.
CALLER #2:
Half of Des Moines was built on abandoned mines.
HOST:
I didn’t know that.
CALLER #2:
Now there’s a Call-In Catastrophe show waiting to happen: State Capitol Collapses. Legislative Proposals Sink.
HOST:
Right. I’ll put it on the schedule.
CALLER #2:
Yeah, they don’t want to pay an adult a decent wage and benefits, so now they’re changing the laws so they can hire kids. Cheap labor. Keeping the immigrants out. Using kids instead. Kids are probably even cheaper than immigrants. Kids in meat packing plants. It’s criminal.
HOST:
Can you stay on the line? Yes, there’s another caller wanting to say something. Go ahead, you’re on the air. KLUU (Get a clue) Radio. You’re on the Call-In Catastrophe Show.
CALLER #3:
Hello?
HOST:
Go ahead.
CALLER #3:
Hello? Can you hear me?
HOST:
Go ahead.
CALLER #3:
Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with giving kids a job.
HOST:
Even a job as a miner?
CALLER #2:
I told you we don’t have mines anymore. We have sinkholes.
CALLER #3:
They’re spoiled. Let them kids work. They just laze around all day in the summer, anyway. It’ll save money.
CALLER #2:
Save money for the meat packers? You want those rich people to have more money?
CALLER #3:
No, save money on the schools. Tax payers’ dollars. I say shut down the schools after 8th grade. Who needs all that education anyway? And let those kids work. It’d be good for them.
CALLER #2:
But we can’t send them into the meat packing plants or down in the non-existent mines. We need our kids to do chores. We need them to detassel. Now, that’s a decent summer job. Or ride the bean bar.
HOST:
Detasseling? At least that’s above ground. Sun burn can be bad. . .
CALLER #2:
Not as bad as frostbite working in the freezer at the meat packing plant. Naw, let them get outside in the sunshine. In the cornfields. Or the bean fields. That’s where they’ve been and that’s where they belong.
HOST:
As long as the next derecho—The Kaiser-Manhattan—doesn’t get them.
And that concludes this week’s Call-in Catastrophe Show, folks, where you air on air and: We’re Here for You in any Emergency.
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Most excellent. Funny because it's true.
The.Absolute.Best. Love this! More please!